You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
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I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
Human are so complicated
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”