I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
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The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
May have had one breakfast too many
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.