COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
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I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Never be a pizza!
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face