I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
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SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
girlfriend: let’s go for a romantic weekend at my parents cabin that was built on a Native American burial ground right next to that abandoned mine shaft where all those people died
me: yeah ok
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
he’s doing your taxes
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.