me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
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My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one