Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
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The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
cats when you pet them too long:
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
they really do be looking like this
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.