[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
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Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
water it, i dare you
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.