SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
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Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…