Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
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I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.