Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
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When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
North and South
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.