If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
You Might Also Like
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
this is the best day of my life
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”