So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
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Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*