Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
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Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
i choose….tongue
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.