*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
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Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people