Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
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I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…