*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
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“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
#polloftheday
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no