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[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Got him!
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.