Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
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I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*
Cashier: Do you have chickens?
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
This chloroform smells expensiv…
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed