CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
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WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.