FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
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[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
I think they could have phrased this better
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical