Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
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Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
There’s no “us” in nachos.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U