my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
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Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
ME: Michaelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back?
GF: Yep
M: [2 hours later] How did he reach the bit between his shoulders?
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.