Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
You Might Also Like
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.