A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
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parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Baking is just science you can eat.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist