1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
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why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.