My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
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A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Lmao
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.