One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
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So the ex texted me
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Nice try, poison.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans