I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
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Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.