3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
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me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.