*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
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Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
what day is it?
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.