8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
You Might Also Like
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”