Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
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As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Said the murderer.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar