[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
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Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Follow me for more fitness tips.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.
Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.