8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
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Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
what my late-night hot pocket sees
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
i guess his teacher was really pissed
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.