I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
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[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
Current mood: Potato
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.