My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
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Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die