“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
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Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.