I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.
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“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.