When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
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Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Morning.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe