God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
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Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
This forever.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson