Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
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Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
It’s the weekend y’all