“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
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Breaking news:
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
omg leave her alone