FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
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Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
me: my pasta salad is cold
waiter: it’s meant to be
me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm