Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
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announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.