I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
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It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.