People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
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Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”