Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
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If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
#NoRestForTheWicked
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real