Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
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A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
PLEASE READ
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
We cut our bangs at dawn.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.