KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
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me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins