My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
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I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
“Yeahhhh, that’s the good stuff. Look at that color. Mmmmm, flavor off the charts. You can just serve this raw but I like to add a bit of salt” – guy on The Food Network boiling water
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I’m an introvert, but my middle finger is an extrovert.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.